I write for several AOL Living sites, including the holidaylicious Holidash. Go check out my Season of Schwag -- 25 days of outrageously awesome giveaways.
While you're there, you can also read the post I wrote about Sarah Palin hosting an open house at the Alaskan Governor's Mansion. That one really upset the conservatives. Over 200 comments (and counting) declaring that I am evil, a bad writer and deserving of punishments that I have to believe Jesus would not endorse.
Sadly, you won't see my post about decorating your tree with sexy Pornaments. It was declared too mature for the audience, and had to come down.
Maybe it was too racy for AOL, but it's too funny to leave unpublished. I mean, imagine if Rankin Bass ever did a Christmas Porno: Santa Claus is Cumming...All Over Frosty!
Obviously a snowman getting a blow snow job is NSFW, ditto priapic elves, boobilicious wreaths and doggy-style gingerbread. Enjoy!
Lick Me Penis Shaped Candy Cane XXX Pornament
Beware of any offers to lick or suck on a candy cane. $9.99 Photo: diverseunive
You'd think she'd get cold in that outfit, but apparently the hat helps keep her warm! $6.40. Photo: lotionspotionsvibes.com
Reindeer Holiday Cheer XXX Pornament
Is it bestiality if they are doing it to each other? Or just if you enjoy it? Sale price: $12.00. Photo: lotionspotionsvibes.com
Strokin' Snowman XXX Pornament
I
thought it was a corn cob pipe…OH, that's what they meant! Btw, not to
be an art critic, but shouldn't he look like he's enjoying more? Sale
price: $7.20 Photo: lotionspotionsvibes.com
S&M Santa XXX Pornament
Hey, who are we to
judge if Santa likes a little slap and tickle? And it's so cute that
his shorts match his restraining pole. Sale price: $7.20. Photo: lotionspotionsvibes.com
Jingle Balls XXX Pornament
Jingle all the "way"…hey, it's like putting a bell on a cat's collar so you know when he's "coming"…$10.25. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Wonder Wreaths XXX Pornament
Ouch! Those pine needles are prickly…or do I mean pricky? $10.25
Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Snow Job XXX Pornament
Yes, he melts in your mouth, and yes, your mouth gets numb, and no, it just tastes like water. $9.25. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Snow Sex XXX Pornament
"Let's play hide the corn cob pipe!" $10.95. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Erotic Snow Flake XXX Pornament
So subtle you could
almost get away with giving it to your mom. But wouldn't you be afraid
that she'd notice the erotica …and like it! $10.95. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Sugar Plum Fairy Woman XXX Pornament
Visions of these
sugar plum fairies are dancing exclusively in the dreams of
anime-obsessed teenage boys! $10.95. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Sugar Plum Fairy Guy XXX Pornament
Yeah, this one is a fairy all right, sugar! $10.95. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Tree Skirt Pole Dance XXX Pornament
Sometimes you can
just tell a girl wants you look up her skirt…like when it's slit open
down the middle. Perfect for your favorite dancing queen! $10.95.
Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Mr. North Pole XXX Pornament
"Look Santa, I can lift this candy cane with no hands!" $8.25. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Oven Lovin' XXX Pornament
We're talking hot, spicy, frosted holiday love making, although they NEVER scream "Eat Me!" $9.25. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
Surprise Package XXX Pornament
Yeah, he's got a "special delivery" for the "lady" of the house. The naughty lady, that is! $10.95. Photo: chocolatefantasies.com
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