wishbone clover

Ask The Bird: Workplace Romance

Dear Bird: I work in a real Snakepit of gossip and despair. You know, average corporate America. Anyhoo, two Snakepit  coworkers - he's a Divorced Lecher, and she's an Older Uptight Religious Conservative Lady - dated for a while, he broke her heart, they broke up and now they make believe everything is cordial in the coffee room.

So far, so what.

But then, the Divorced Lecher turned his "charms" to the Young Cute Perky Girl in the office. Inevitably she fell for him, and now they are dating.

Again, so what, right? Except...the Cute Girl works for the Older Lady.

Now everyone at Snakepit knows, except for the Older Lady, and I feel sorry for her. Should I tell her? If so, how?

The Bird Responds: How dare you bother me with such inconsequential nonsense? No one - NO ONE - cares about these losers. They deserve each other. Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out.

Is it wrong of me...

that I included a national help line in my "how to do my job" manual?

What do you think, oh bird?

Do you know what your catsitter is doing?

Dear Bird,
Is it wrong to dress up your friends' pets and then call them a "dandy"?
Is it worse to take pictures?

Secret Love Nest: The Black Bird Weighs In

Recently we received an email from someone who read cat's post about Secret Love Nest.

It seemed only fair that the malevolent black bird respond. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Question:

A friend of mine also received a call like this.  Do you have any insight concerning what it's about?  His wife is all nervous and jumpy about it.  Seems like a marketing scam.  Am I right or do you know?

 

Thanks for any help you might provide.

 

--Tyke

The black bird responds:

Tyke,

This “friend” of yours—no doubt the same shadowy figure around whom you routinely seek additional insights on the proper fitting of goat-leather ass chaps, the availability of Phuketan underage art photography, and the ideal clustering pattern for genital warts—appears more than a mite paranoid.

The “marketing scam” you so coyly decry is, in fact, a valuable market-driven service geared specifically toward the steroidal id of your ilk. Any sustenance provider of the oily soup that feeds derelict souls can only thrive through unfettered access to such gaping maws of depravity.

The wife in question should be more than nervous and jumpy—she should live in mortal fear of whatever horrific beasties now camp upon the putrid Petri dish that is your man-member. Tell your “friend” to call back post-haste—the life you help end in crotch-oozing agony could be his own.

My gratitude for offering this cautionary tale—it deepens my appreciation for belonging to a species that eschews both telephony and external gonads.

CAW!

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Have a question for the malevolent stuffed black bird? Email wishboneclover@gmail.com.

Return of Malevolent Stuffed Black Bird

Nunnayerbeezwax asks: If the malevolent stuffed black bird met up with Peaches, the Moluccan cockatoo in a dark alley, which bird would win?

The bird responds.

Say, peon, did you hear about Alex, the famous talking African Grey, who died recently of "apparently natural causes"? I naturally dropped a brick on his skull, and apparently he died. If there is a bird the Times will call "brainy" in a headline, it will be me. Fools. And guest starring with Alan Alda on "Look Who's Talking"? Pitiful.

So first I tell you that I would not meet Peaches in a dark alley. No, Peaches would meet me, lurking in the back of her cage when she returns home one night, a snubnose revolver hidden under my trench. And Peaches would meet her end soon thereafter.

CAW!

Questions for the malevolent stuffed black bird? Email wishboneclover@gmail.com.

Ask The Bird: Answers From a Malevolent Stuffed Black Bird

You asked, and the Malevolent Stuffed Black Bird deigned to answer. Sort of.

Question

Is there a Pneumatically ordained magical portion that can help seduce a romantic interest and subdue a business rival?

Signed,

Kenneth the Eternal Optimist

Response
Indeed, such a potion exists, and if you are worthy, I will grudgingly dispense the recipe. Leave a stack of $50's in the dead oak near the black lake at exactly midnight, and you may find the information that you need. Or not. Everything depends on my mood and the quality and timeliness of your payment. CAW!

The malevolent stuffed black bird resents that your ridiculous question impinges on his leisure time, and yet condescends to answering queries submitted by his public.

Please direct all questions to wishboneclover@gmail.com, and we'll see that he gets them.

Introducing our new column…

Ask a Malevolent Stuffed Black Bird!Each week, our malevolent stuffed black bird will answer one of your questions. The bird is an expert in many subjects, including, but not limited to:

• Pneumatism


• Sorcery


• Relationships and dating


• Business strategy

So bring 'em on. Send your questions to wishboneclover@gmail.com.

The malevolent stuffed black bird dreads even considering your idiotic questions, but we can't wait to publish the answers. Put away your tender little girl feelings, because sometimes the truth hurts. This ain't the blue bird of happiness and his pecker is sharp!

CAW!