wishbone clover

The High Incidence of Genital Herpes Make Sense When You Think About Sienna Miller's Dating Record

Chief and I were watching late night tv when an ad came on for some herpes medication. The voice over announced that one in five adults has herpes. You know, the down there kind, not the "Oh, I get this little cold sore when I'm tired" kind.

Since we're both from the "SEX=DEATH SO ALWAYS WEAR A CONDOM" generation (ah, that late 80s AIDS crisis) we were especially shocked to hear such a high number.

"So three of the people at that party tonight had herpes," he said, incredulously.

"Maybe it's not as evenly distributed as that," I replied, skeptically. Then I went to wash my hands.

Later, I was reading about (oogling pictures of) Sienna Miller's naked breast being fondled by troubled -- and married -- Getty scion Balthazar, I remembered an old blind item about him giving every starlet in Hollywood herpes. Right then a six degrees of separation light bulb went off in my head.

Of course so many people have the herps! Just think about the awe-inspiring number of people Sienna has slept with (that we know about) and all of the people they screwed. This crew is a walking petrie dish! They could bring polio back if they half tried.

The Sienna Miller Former Boyfriend Viral Nexus includes:

Dead, Dead Eyes

I flipped through some health mag (Self? Shape?) while waiting for Pilates class last week, and stopped at the photo essay of Heather Graham.

For someone who has been in a surprising number of interesting films (Twin Peaks, Mrs Parker and the Vicious Circle), Heather's photos are always missing some vital spark. She may be perfectly intelligent, funny and wise, but her eyes just look...dead.

Lately lots of people covered by tabloids look empty where you should see something shining through. Like:

Does Rosanna Arquette's Poo Smell Like Cinnamon French Toast?

She seems wicked nice, don't get me wrong. She directed that cool documentary Searching for Debra Winger, and her whole family gives off the kooky and kind vibe. But it is inexplicable to me that this slightly horsey looking, buck-toothed lady is such a muse to musicians. What makes her so inspriring? Uh, besides the obvious (see above.)

She was the ladyfriend of Toto's Steve Pocaro. Admit it. You know every word to Rosanna and it's going through your head right this minute.

Then Peter Gabriel famously wrote In Your Eyes for her. That means, without Rosanna Arquette, there is no Lloyd Dobler, and subsequently no Joan Cusack. What a bleak world that would be.

Rosanna was also married to two(!) composers who are probably famous to people who care about stuff like that.

Now the rumor is that she's dating Sir Paul McCartney, about whom I'm rather protective. After all, he's still recovering from the living hell that was marriage to that filthy whore, Heather Mills.

Unless...maybe Sir Paul is just shtupping her so he can squeeze out one last hit song. Maybe he's using her!

I hope not. It would be much better if she really is the nicest lady in the world, and she's satisfying him in ways he never dreamed existed.

And if that inspires some new love song that will be played at every prom and wedding for the next twenty years, well I hope she gets a piece of the residuals this time. She earned it.

What? Mercury Is Still Retrograde? Ugh.

Here are some things that break when Mercury is retrograde:

• cars
• the internet and all access to it
• refrigerators
• hearts
• dishes
• God, just pick a communication channel

We are especially vulnerable at wishbone clover because we're two Geminis and a Virgo. That's a lotta influence for one planet.

Mercury goes retrograde three times a year, usually, and 2007 felt like it had an especially rough series. This is the last one for the year, and things will start to get better around November 1st, and really clear up around November 17th.

Hunker down and hope. Wine, chocolate and salted meat can provide succor, and generally avoiding human contact should take care of the rest.