wishbone clover

Harold K. Stern is Wicked Guilty - No Duh

Wow, I just heard that huge creep Howard K. Stern is finally being blamed for Anna Nicole Smith's death. Or at least for giving her drugs, which is the same thing.

Well, no shit.

Here's the really surprising, scary thing: he's only 40!

I'm turning 40 in a couple of months -- please Jesus, someone tell me I don't look as used and worn out as this asshole.

Also, he so deserves everything bad that happens to him in prison. Thank God for punitive sodomy!

Photo: Us Weekly

Dancing with the Stars + the Bachelor = Reality TV Nirvana

Like everyone else in the world, I'm disgusted by Jason Mesnick, Former Bachelor and Perfectly Formed Little Man.

I thought he was a crybaby loser when DeAnna Pappas dumped him, and realized he was an even bigger asshole when he turned around and dumped Melissa Rycroft, a.k.a. the second woman he planned to marry on T.V. 

(Yes, that's right, second. He had a ring all picked out for DeAnna, remember? Now he's on #3. Keep up!)

He didn't even have the class to do it off camera, or give her a heads up. Because he didn't want to break a contract. Such. A. Wuss.

But none of that matters now. He's yesterday's news, because tonight we get a new season of Dancing with the Stars, in all of its orange spray tan, glitter and sequin glory. At last!

And earlier today, DWTS transcended T.V. metareality when they announced that Melissa is joining their show!

The New Humor Paradigm: Tina Fey as Sarah Palin is Funny Despite Being True

Ugh and at the same time, Bono, King of Ireland? Fucking hilarious because it's true!

Are you kidding me? Sarah Palin is *So Dumb*

Okay, did you watch Katie Couric's interview with Sarah Palin?  D-U-M-B. Even when she's in situations where she gets to respond to rehearsed questions, she can't deliver. Dumb as a box of rocks.

Sooooo...Sarah has foreign policy experience because she lives next door to Russia? Really? Does that mean I can speak Spanish because I live near a taqueria? Bueno!

I don't need to say anything, just you watch. It's so obvious that she's out of her league during a little T.V. interview. Cripes! If she can't handle that, how is she supposed to lead the government of the free world?

2008 Presidential Race Villains! The RNC and Sarah Palin

I'd planned to talk next about my admiration for Hillary Clinton and her amazing performance at the DNC, but I have to address the Palin Madness. Madness!

RNC: Ten Harsh Lies Are Better Than Nine

Just when it seemed like the Democrats and all of our positive energy was going to sail into office, that crazy racist McCain (oh, yes, I'll get to that in another post, just hang tight) brought a surprise date to the Republican National Convention. (Cue slow head shake of denial.)

The best thing about the DNC was that Democrats respected differences and focused criticism on policies and politics. Not the case at the RNC.

The speakers barely took a breath between slinging personal barbs that served only to give the audience the adolescent satisfaction of a "gotcha" moment. It was negative, draining, and hate-spewing. Also, mostly lies. Real family entertainment.

The rhetorical skills on display at the RNC were misdirection, exaggeration and caricature, applied in the time honored tradition of twisted propaganda. Hitler and Goebbels spring to mind, but we must give Karl Rove and the Bush administration credit. They are historically gifted at creating All-American, bite-sized, easy-to-swallow hate. Like a greasy ballpark hot dog made of venom.

At the RNC, the Fear Brigade pulled out out all the stops. They excited the crowd with the kind of childish "you think you're better than me?!" taunts used by weak-minded bullies and co-opted by vicious Republican administrations ever since Spiro Agnew called Nixon's opponents "an effete corps of impudent snobs who characterize themselves as intellectuals." And we all know how that administration turned out.

It was real blood stirring stuff, designed to make you pick sides faster than a bombardment grudge match

Except...this isn't a playground and real leaders don't indulge in the tacky luxury of venting personal prejudices or vicious snarkiness. Which finally brings us to Sarah "Barracuda" Palin, who is so tin-earred that she doesn't even get how appropriate and terrible that nickname is. Sigh.

I Figured Out Why Matt Gonzalez Is Running For VP With Ralph Nader

Ralph Nader is a Sith Lord and lured Matt to his certain self-destruction with the tempting power of the dark side of The Green. This is exactly as the brilliant George Lucas prophesied in Star Wars III, Revenge of the Sith.

Oh, you want more evidence?

Sandra Lee: Semi-Self-Made American?

People love to hate Sandra Lee. I am people.

Her show and series of books, Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee, purport to create dazzling, home-cooked meals out of pre-prepared ingredients, like canned orange segments, cake mix and instant pudding.

I caught one episode of her show. I believe she was baking a cake in the shape of a tropical island or volcano; I remember flipping the channel when she instructed viewers to sort through a box of Runts candy and pick out the banana-shaped confections, which were then sprinkled over the cake.

Crossing 35k in the Nanowrimo Race

Last night my imaginary world finally started to make sense. Which was a relief, because I've invested a lot time in this piece of crap. Twenty-something days.

For the fifth year, I'm doing Nanowrimo. Fifty thousand words written in the month of November, that somehow hang together in an approximation of a plot.

A vague approximation.

It's been different for me every year. The first year it was about finding the discipline to simply sit down and write. Okay, that's true for every year. The first year is about proving you can find the discipline to sit there.

Year two was actually fun, because I knew I could do it, so the pressure was almost off. Year three, a little harder to motivate because I knew I had two crappy first draft novels sitting around, untouched, unedited.

Last year was the roughest. It was a tough year at work, my story idea was totally depressing, and I ground out the 50k in just a few marathon writing sessions. The magic never happened.

So why do it again this year? 

Direct TV: Sneaky, Dirty, Lying Thieves!

Direct TV strikes again! This time they robbed me, but I'm not going to take it lying down.

Like many people, we use electronic bills whenever we can, and pay bills online. Good for the environment, but the downside is that you rarely click through to examine the detail. After all, what kind of surprises could there be on a cable bill, right?

Direct TV has been such a pain that I finally asked them to send me a paper copy of my bill to make sure they weren't charging me for all of the broken receivers they sent me. And good thing I did! Imagine my surprise when I saw that they have been charging us for Sunday Ticket for the past FIVE months!

(For those of you without a football fan in the house, Sunday Ticket is a special subscription to receive every freaking football game in the country, every weekend for the whole darn season.)

I was surprised to see it on our bill because Chief decided this year that he didn't want Sunday Ticket. So he didn't sign up for it.

Ha! Nice try! Because the cabal at Direct TV doesn't wait for you to sign up. They automatically renew your subscription each year. To the tune of $300, payable in five easy-to-miss installments.

How convenient. For them.

Apparently they start billing for the automatic renewal in July and give you one month to opt out. If you notice. And once the season starts, you are shit out of luck. You can cancel the rest of the season, but you can't get a refund.

I called and very nicely explained that we're excellent customers, and neither ordered, nor want, Sunday Ticket. They very nicely explained, "Too bad."

Yeah, too bad. For them. Because I know a thing or two about Investor Relations.

Direct TV, I Hate You!

We watch tv. Sometimes I think it would be better to turn off the idiot box and spend that time being creative. Then I remember Dancing With The Stars, and fall in love all over again.

But those asswipes at Direct TV are really working my last nerve.

We have two tvs. The DVR in the bedroom died last month. No signal, no power, nothing. After a long phone call, Direct TV mailed us a new DVR. Chief tried to "install" it. Turns out that the new DVR was dead, too. So they sent us another one, which took a couple more days. Three weeks after the first one died, we finally had a tv signal in the bedroom again.

Two days later the DVR in the living room stopped working. I spent another 30 minutes on the phone with a well meaning but dim witted "supervisor" who finally came to the conclusion that they "need to send me a new box."

Oh really.

I wonder how many "new boxes" it will take this time.

A couple of years ago I fired Comcast for being a bunch of arrogant douche bags. Their product was okay, but the service was worse than visitor's day at prison. The folks at Direct TV answer the phone quickly, they are all fluent in English and really, really nice to me, the paying customer. Which is a good thing because I'm on the phone with them all-the-time. Because their equipment sucks. It sucks hard.

I'm reconsidering my position. Perhaps it's time to reconcile with the cable cabal and fire Direct TV for being nice but incompetent douche bags.

Chalk up another win for the intelligent asshole over the sweet accommodater. And we wonder why service is dead in this country.